Jeff Strand

posted Aug 10, 2009, 9:07 PM by Natalie Duvall
Jeff Strand's Taste of Hideous Foulness

When Natalie asked me to contribute a recipe, my first thought was "Which one of my countless culinary masterpieces can I possibly choose?" After several days of soul-searching, I remembered that I don't have any culinary masterpieces. I don't cook anything that doesn't involve following somebody else's recipe, and by "recipe" I mean "the instructions on the back of the package." I cook out on the grill, I guess, but the recipe for that would be something like this:

Ingredients: Hamburger patty. Buns. Condiments.

Instructions: Apply hamburger patty to grill until cooked. Place patty on lower bun. Add condiments. Place upper bun upon patty. Consume.

And that's a lame recipe. So I decided to play around in the kitchen and experiment with various ideas, until I came up with:

Toasted Grapes

Ingredients: Grapes

Instructions: Remove impressionable children from cooking area. Shove grapes into toaster. Set dial to maximum toasting. Shove in more grapes, giggling the entire time. Pull down the handle. Wait 30 seconds. Become mildly uneasy. Wait 30 more seconds. Wonder if grapes have jammed toaster. Pull up handle manually. Stare at the mess with a sense of shame. Say "Wow, that really didn't work very well." Discard toaster.

Still not my finest work. After more experimentation, I came up with:

A Taste of Hideous Foulness

Ingredients: Freshwater salmon, 2 or 3 hard-boiled eggs, some variety of mustard, 1 monkey leg (left or right), sauce, 1 large Mongolian potato, couscous, that thing in the back of the refrigerator that you're pretty sure used to be a strawberry but could also be bleu cheese, 6 beets, popcorn with extra butter, 1/2 tbsp cooking oil, 24 toasted grapes, whatever that brown liquid is, paste, 1 gallon buffalo wing sauce, pinch of Ginger, pinch of Ginger's cuter sister Daphne, 1 cherry jelly doughnut (double-fried), salt, pizza, gummi worms, 3 California rolls, a random blop of mayo, and one copy of my novel PRESSURE.

Instructions: Add all of the ingredients to a large plastic bowl, except for the novel, which is nourishment for your mind but not actually edible. Mix 'em. No, no, way better than that--you can still recognize the couscous. C'mon, you slacker! More effort! Stir that stuff! Wait, now it's slopping over the edge of the bowl and you're getting it all over everything. Okay, that's stirred good enough, I guess. Now just look at yourself. A full-grown adult mixing up random food ingredients like you were three years old. Disgusting. Throw that crap away.

Anyway, that's my recipe. Next time I'll show you how to make lasagna.